OK, so it's not a cancer post... so what? It's called Chaos, Clutter AND Cancer... not just cancer! The Chaos and Clutter represents my mind and everyday, normal life. Any post titled "Round ___" is a cancer post, the rest are just thoughts on life, reflections, poetry and short stories. You never know what you will get when this mind starts thinking (or not thinking, as in this post).
I had a very meaningful dream last night, meaningful as in I understood the message my brain was sending me. Most of my dreams are bizarre and way out there, so when I have a dream that is odd, but logical, I contemplate. There was no need to do that this time, my message was loud and clear as if it was being screamed from the top of a 10 story building!! An old love of mine was standing on top of a hill with roses waiting for me. No matter how hard I tried to climb up that grassy, steep hill I kept sliding back down. I couldn't make any progress beyond half-way. I woke up before I reached the peak where he was standing. Now before YOU diagnose this dream, here is exactly what it means... my goal is unattainable... meaning HIM.
Why must the people we leave behind (or those who left us behind) constantly haunt us? It could be a song, a movie, an entire city that strikes that place in our heart and brings them back for a moment. Why must we cling to that moment for an hour, a day or a month? When someone is no longer a part of our life, why do we continue to torture ourselves with the shared memories? It's just a painful process that no one need go through. I don't know about you, but I seem to do it time and time again with this person. We kept in touch until recently and then POOF , he disappears with the skill of a master magician. Yes, there is another girl now, hence the sudden wizarding powers. Even after the break-up (to which he gave up on us, not me) we stayed very close. We were in constant support of each other's endeavors, applauding and criticizing where need be.
I am sure I am only missing him now because I am in a dark hour of my life and need my friend. We would talk for hours and he always found a way to make me smile. I have had a few rough days in a row and his kind words and smart-alec comments would definitely ease the load. Alas, I know I shall never reach that peak. Not only does an ocean divide us now, but so does his new love. I think that is the most exasperating portion of it all... that because we are of opposite sex, we are not allowed to keep these people in our lives. How many times have you had to give up a friend for a mate because the were the opposite sex? I am sure several times over, for I know I have had to in the past. I learned from my mistakes though and decided friendship was more important than a love. Friendships, when nurtured and tended to often last longer than relationships. We seem to cherish our friends more than a loved one in the long run. I know my friends have stood by my side and stayed longer than any one man.
Jealousy is evil. Jealousy destroys the beauty in the world. Jealousy prevent us from reaching the peak.....