Monday, April 11, 2011

Me? Quiet? Ha!

 Some people like to keep their lives private, allowing only a small circle of people in to the deepest part of their brain.  I am not one of them, nor will I ever be.  If/when I get the diagnosis that I have cancer, this girl is going to be LOUD!  I am not going to take this lying down, keeping my voice to myself and a few close friends.  I am going to scream it to the world, shout it from the rooftops and let the entire planet hear my cries!
  Why should I be quiet?  Cancer is real, very frightening and it affects every man, woman and child in different ways.   It's not some horrible secret that should be shoved away in a closet like some long-lost horrific present your aunt bought you when you were young, it should be standing right there in your face so it can not be denied.  I know for a fact that some people STILL refuse to say the word cancer for fear of it striking a loved-one, so they whisper it, like it has ears or something...other people say the "C" word, which confuses me completely because the "C" word to me is the foulest word you could say to describe a woman's body part.  Imagine how THAT conversation would go:  "Oh, John found out he has the "C" word". "Oh, John just discovered he is a hermaphrodite?  Intriguing!"   Now do you see how I get so confused over the letter C?  Stop being afraid to say the word!!  It's only a word and yes, some words do hurt but with them they also bring knowledge.

  Caner runs in my family, so we all knew we would have a higher than normal chance of getting it.  You always think "not me, someone else will, but not me",  I hope I am right, but it's very doubtful.  This mass is changing and growing everytime we look at it since February, so I am not hopeful.  I am hopeful I will beat it though.  I am afraid of chemotherapy and radiation treatment.  I do not want to lose my hair or vomit constantly.  I feel crappy enough without those treatments adding to my already failing body.   I have panic disorder, so I forsee a lot of panic attacks in my future with every single treatment I face.
  I guess what I am trying to tell all of you is I AM SCARED.   I am scared for me, for my children and for my family and friends.  I want to watch Serenity grow, I want to see the other children accomplish the goals they have set for themselves, I want to live to see grandchildren and I want to be around until a ripe old age!  I don't want to be cheated out of any of these things.  I don't want to cheat my children out of having a mother, especially Serenity.  I know what it's like to lose a parent at such a young age.  She would NOT remember me as I do not remember my own father.  I was a few months shy of turning 3 when I lost him and she is just about to turn 2 in April.  I am going to do all I can to preserve my memory for her "just in case".  Serenity isn't the only one I worry about either, so don't even think that.  I am worried about my other 5 as well.  I won't go into details about their psyches at the moment, but let's just say that they are at an age where it can make or break them as adults, or change their perception of the world.
  Therefore, should I be diagnosed with cancer (yes, we can say it... we are big people), I will be blogging about my treatments, my aches and pains, my vomiting and all the beautiful things that go hand in hand with treatment.  I am doing this for my children, for me and for others out there who are suffering themselves or know of someone.  It may not be pretty, it may be downright gross, so you just may want to delete me now, or block my posts once I get the news.
  I do not intend on hiding anything.  This is my legacy.   Writing is all I have ever had to hold on to when life got rough.  It's been the one constant in my life and I will not turn my back on it.  You will find spelling errors, run-on sentences and really bad punctuation, but that's who I am.  Who knows, maybe one day my journal will put my children through college (one can dream, right? ) or even buy us a home of our own.  In the meantime, take my journey with me and see what it's like to be me for just one day, and be thankful for what you have.  Life is funny that way, one minute you are on top of the world and the next, you are at the bottom of the pile, wiping shit off of your face from the last joker that climbed back up.  If this journal does nothing more than make you appreciate your life, then that is satisfactory to me.

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