Today we celebrated my youngest child's second birthday. The party was held at Barb and Damon's (which has become traditional, they do have more room) and the food was delish. The house was all decked out, decorated in a Dora theme (Reni loves her) and she wore the party dress I got for her 6 months prior. Yes, I just KNOW a party dress when I see it, so.... I buy large... she will fit it eventually. I loved watching her open her presents, but I was already tired after the meal, so I couldn't get down and play with her and enjoy them with here. HEARTBREAK! I even had to miss out on the whole birthday cake tradition, being too exhausted for all the hullabaloo that was going on. It was a house full of teens and adults gathered in harmony for my precious girl's special day.
Now I sit here, in my bed, typing my thoughts as I cry for my daughter. She is still at her Aunt's house, continuing the celebration without her mommy. She is probably bouncing around in the Dora bounce house, blowing out her 2 candles, playing with her new toys and having a blast. Meanwhile, mommy sits and sheds tears, for I can never get back her 2nd birthday. I can never get back a memory of her blowing out her cake, because I didn't have it to begin with. I will never be able to sit back and remember playing with her and her little vanity set, because I couldn't, I was too tired.
I can vow this, it won't happen again. She is the reason I fight so hard. When I am without her, my reason for fighting can't be found, but when she is right next to me I remember why I am allowing myself to feel so crappy, why I am okay with being exhausted. Serenity, you make all the trouble that mommy is going through so worthwhile. All 6 of you kids do, but remember my beautiful children, Reni is only 2 and needs me so much more right now, just as much as I need her. I will fight this exhaustion, fight the nausea, fight the confusion all to have her right by my side, it's where she belongs.
So now you understand my equation... 2 + Chemo = Sadness.