Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Mick: The One that Got Away Part 2....

  Things have a way of slapping you across the face sometimes.  It's not always a bad thing.  We all need those moments where we must come to our senses.  I was NOT prepared for this slap...

I was just minding my own business, honestly, living my life, raising my kids and just being me.  I am happy for the most part.  Being single does suck sometimes, but more often than not I am happy I am.  This heart has been slapped together with duct tape so many times, I prefer it not fall apart again thanks to the opposite sex. 

One message. 

Just one.

It changed me.  Now, all of a sudden I am thrown back to 2008.  Mr. Got Away (Mick) contacted me.  We have always kept in touch here and there, like I stated in part 1, but now... he mentioned "rekindle". 


If you read part 1, you know I never got over him, ever.  You also know he has/had a girlfriend.  I am not sure which it is, I didn't ask (yes, because I didn't want the answer) but I assume he does.  He is not the cheating kind, so of course I am wondering WTH is going on with him.  We chatted for hours like we used to, taking up most of my day and it was good to relive some happy memories.  We laughed, flirted, reminisced and all was normal.


I still have all of our chat logs and I opened them and started reading.  I haven't done that since we split up and now I know why.  I fell in love with Mr. Got Away all over again.  I never stopped loving him, but to fall back so deeply?  I must be nucking futs!  Right?  Please, someone tell me that is possible.  I haven't smiled like this in years, nor blushed, nor felt butterflies.  He was the last person to make me fly higher than humanly possible, and here he is again, and here I go flying again. 

Tears, lots and lots of tears.  They are flowing for no reason.  Happy?  Melancholy?  Sad?  Alone?  I don't know what I am feeling, I am so confused.  I honestly haven't missed having a guy around.  I don't NEED a man to feel complete.  It would be nice to have one, but I have been so busy taking care of me that I honestly didn't care if one came along or not.  If you follow my life, you know this past year was dreadful and there really wasn't room for a man in my life.  Sure, it would have been nice to have one for comfort during the rough times, but I had my friends and they did a great job. 

As I read the chat logs, I went to all the song links he sent me, to describe his love for me.  MELT! 
I must be a complete nutter to jump with both feet again.  We never did anything slow in the first place, why should we change now?

Hope.  I never lost it.  How high do I want to hope?  Last time it ended badly with him being too impatient on how complicated our situation was during that period of time.  I sent him one chat log, to remind him of what we said/did/had back then.  He lost most of our entire history when his laptop crapped out.  I really don't know why I did.  What will that do?  Just because I fell for the words we used to share (wish I had phone recordings as well as live video), will it make him?  Doubtful, he's a man.  Who knows, he may be saying these same words to his current girl.  I really don't know.

Loyal.  Yes, he's VERY loyal, so I am totally confused on why he would do this if all is perfect in his relationship.  Hell, even if it's not perfect, he shouldn't be doing this, it's not like him and it's just wrong.  If he's not happy, and hasn't gotten me out of his head either (from what he says) he shouldn't be with her at all!  It's not fair to her, to any of us.  I have always glared at the photos of them with a contempt for her, like we ladies all tend to do when someone we love has someone new.  Today, I looked and felt pity.  For her?  For me?  I honestly don't know.  I know him, REALLY know him and I don't understand all of this.  I just don't.  I wish I had a magic fairy to explain all of this shit to me.  Should he crush my heart once again, there is no amount of duct tape in the world to fix it this time around.

We were engaged, we were in love, we were happy.  We were "over the moon" happy.  We were such a sappy couple.  I am sure the people we were around were gagging at the amount of happiness and love we exuded.  I am not stretching the truth either.  We were sickening.  Our holiday to the city was more like a honeymoon than a normal vacation.  We said we had found our soul mate, he said it first.  I will never forget that.  He said he prayed in church to find his love and just a week later, there I was.  Instant connection.  Everything in common.  Because of him, I do believe in love at first sight.

I guess my biggest question would be, if I were that important once, and he contacts me again WHILE having a girlfriend (I am assuming, his status says he's in a relationship with her), what the hell does that mean?  If it was/is true love, does it ever really win out in the end?  Does anyone have a happy ending, ever, outside of fairy tales? 

So again, I sit waiting for that message.  Has he changed his mind between yesterday and today?  Did he finally come to his senses and only had a fleeting moment of nostalgia?  I just know it's 4 years ago as I sit and wait for him to message me.  I don't wait for people.  For him?  I think I would wait an eternity.  I only wish he would open up liked he used to and truly tell me what is going on, not just how he missed me and how he messed up with us.

I will wait.

Mr. Got Away came back, for now.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Short Story Time 3

Just a Name

  The rain drizzled down as Riley took her young daughter's hand and headed for the car.  They raced as was customary for the laughing mother/child team.  Today was not a day for laughter and Helena did not understand why her mother could find no joy in their water play.  Helena was confused about a lot of things this day.  Her four year old mind didn't understand why she couldn't wear her favorite pink raincoat over her favorite pink dress. 

  When Helena had woken up that morning, Riley was hanging a black dress on her closet door.  Helena didn't like black, it wasn't a rainbow color and it reminded her of the darkness that came at bedtime.  She had a fear of the dark that no one knew except her mom.  Riley explained that Helena needed to start off the morning.  She ushered Helena downstairs to begin her breakfast of pancakes (her favorite), milk, orange juice and a banana.  Today was Friday, Favorite Friday.  This was a very special day for Helena.  Riley had decided each day of the week would have a theme, so as to entertain her toddler, but Favorite Friday WAS her favorite.  This meant Riley got to wear her favorite clothes, eat her favorite foods, go to her favorite places, etc.  When see saw that black dress, she knew, in that little brain of hers, this Friday was going to be different. 

  After breakfast, Riley assisted in the brushing of the teeth, the styling of the hair, even though her daughter insisted she was a big girl and could do it all herself.  It was their usual morning argument.  Helena ran off to grab her clothes and her mother grabbed that black dress.  The temper tantrum that ensued would be loud enough to wake the neighbors, Riley was sure.  She had to explain to Helena that this was no ordinary Favorite Friday and that they would have to compromise on some things, clothes and shoes being one of them.  It took a full twenty minutes to get Helena in her dress, but she managed, and now was worn out.  Riley was already exhausted from the coming event, for the past three days it was all she could think about.  Fighting with a stubborn pre-schooler was the last thing she wanted today of all days.

  Helena waited downstairs watching TV as her mother readied herself.  She was a good child and could occupy herself easily with little to no trouble.  She was still in a very grumpy mood as more and more favorites were being left out of the day.  She didn't notice that her mother was not working this particular day, but a child of that age really wouldn't.  She didn't notice the somber mood her mother was in, only that she was being forced to go along with her mother's choices for the day instead of her own.  That wasn't how the game was played and she would not let her mother go one minute without reminding her of that fact.

  It was a very long car ride and Helena was uncomfortable in her booster seat.  She didn't like this black dress, the black raincoat and didn't like the fact that they didn't race for the car.  She was so confused as to what was happening.  Her arms firmly folded across her chest told Riley this battle was not yet over.  She really had hoped her daughter would behave for such an occasion, but she should have known better.  Helena had the bull-headed ways of her father, once his mind was set, that was it.  No discussion. 

  When they arrived at their destination, Helena saw nothing but green grass with big stones all over the place.  Special stones of different shapes and sizes.  She had seen nothing like this before and it intrigued her immensely.  The scowl on her tiny face lifted into a look of curiosity.  As they moved along a path, protected from the rain by a black umbrella, Helena started to see people, quite a lot of people.  She looked up at her mother and frowned at the black umbrella.  It was at that moment she observed every person there was dressed in black and carried black umbrellas.  They finally reached the spot the people had gathered around and Riley started her greetings and passing along sympathies.  Helena just stood there, staring at all these strangers and wondering what was going to happen around this wooden box.  It was big!  She wanted to reach for the flowers that were on it and surrounding it but was afraid to leave her mother's side.  Her mother was her sanctity when something was not familiar to her and this was a completely new experience and she knew right away she wouldn't like it. 

  Helena shifted anxiously in her rain boots waiting for the man to quit speaking.  He was saying things about Heaven and God and death.  She new all of those words.  She had been to church, so she understood Heaven is in the sky and God watches from there.  She knew the word "death" because she had just lost her goldfish and her mommy explained what death was and that you never can come back from it, no matter how hard she had pleaded with her mother to fix her "Goldie".  She may have been four years old, but Helena was highly intelligent and was starting to comprehend what was happening to a point.  She knew something sad was happening, for the people were crying.  She looked to her mother for an explanation and saw her mother shedding a tear.  Helena started to feel very nervous.  She had never really seen her mother cry, until she was almost hit by a car.  That scared them both, but what scared Helena the most was her mother crying.  Seeing her cry again made her wonder what was the bad thing that was happening. 

  The man finally finished talking and Helena was given a rose.  She was so excited to get such a beautiful, red flower.  Riley told her they had to walk up to the box and place it on there.  She was sad to give her flower away, but thought it would make her mom stop crying if she listened for once today.  She put the flower on the box first, before anyone else.  One by one more people laid flowers on the coffin and walked away. 

  Riley and Helena were the last ones left standing there.  Helena, with her big, brown eyes, looked at her mom and asked what is all this.  Riley told her it was a funeral, that someone they knew had died and they came to pay their last respects.  She told her she was very proud of her for being such a big girl and not acting out they way she'd expected.  Helena asked her who the person was.  This was the moment that Riley was dreading.  He was never in their lives really.  He came and went, here and there as often or as little as he wanted.  He would go months without even so much as a phone call.  He barely visited.  Helena didn't really even know this person.  He had left while she was still pregnant with Helena.  He missed her birth, and every birthday after that.  Photos were the only way she knew who he was. 

"His name was Robert, but you called him daddy."
"So daddy wasn't his name?"
"No, honey.  My name is Riley but I am your mommy.  Robert was your father's name but you called him daddy."
"Do you understand, sweetheart?"
"Yeah, I know you have a name but I thought his name was Daddy, I didn't know his Robert name"

Riley's heart broke for Robert, Helena and herself.  His daughter, his only child, thought his name was Daddy.  All those times they went through pictures and Helena would call out "Daddy!" she was saying only a name, nothing with meaning behind it.  She didn't know any better, he never gave her the opportunity to change their relationship.  She didn't know this man as her father. 

Daddy was just a name.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The Negative Side of the Magnet

  Most of you that know me will laugh at the following statment, please do try to contain yourselves, at our age you can't risk a heart attack.

I must be getting wiser as I grow older.

Okay, get your chuckles out.  I know, by now you are laying on the floor, unable to get up from laughing so hard.  I picture a few of you doing that as we speak (Barb, Damon). 

In all seriousness, I have been observing some lives from a distance to see what would happen to mine (or theirs) if negativity was forced out and only positivity and light were allowed to enter.  The results have been astounding.

I was not kidding when I said I was allowing no negativity around me during my battle with cancer and that was true.  I took the garbage out to give myself a more positive field of energy, to allow my faith to expand and to hopefully encourage my body's self-healing.  It worked.  Once I was found to be in remission, I slacked off a bit and the bad found it's way back in to my life. 

I noticed a change in my surroundings.  Things were a mess, not physically, but emotionally.  Now, I don't truly believe in Vampires let alone "Energy Vampires", but I do believe there are people out there that just suck the life out of you for they know no other way of life unless it's negative.  I personally KNOW people that do not know how to spin the negative into the positive and I feel sorry for them.  This is a big, bad world.  It's filled with horrible people and horrible diseases.  If you refuse to look at the sun and only tread through the darkness, your life will never turn around. 

I am proof, LIVING proof. 

Some days we do struggle financially (who doesn't in this economy?), but for the most part, we are doing quite well.  Happiness and harmony is very difficult to maintain with teenagers afoot, but I try my best to not blow my stack as often as the norm.  As a matter of fact, I don't remember the last time I did go to "Mommy Rage" mode.  I have talked sternly, but not screamed.  My family is a bunch of screamers, I bet they would say "loud talkers", but I can admit the truth, at least.  My mother wasn't a screamer, okay, so maybe she did get louder than her normal raised voice....hmmm... I guess that really isn't a screamer so I take that back.  We are not screamers, we just talk louder than a normal person when yelling. 

I digress yet again.  The point of that paragraph was to state how much good energy flows around you, and the great things that happen to you once you toss the trash.  I didn't mean to get on a tangent about yelling versus screaming versus loud talking.   I do apologize.  Again, the people who know me realize my brain is crazy and shoots around like lasers against mirrors!  I can't control my thought process AND fingers at the same time, that would be like asking a blonde to count to twenty while standing on one leg.  IMPOSSIBLE! 

Now, let's take a look at a person that is nothing but negative energy.  Their life is going down hill a mile a minute.  It's sad to watch, honestly.  Every single person in that family is suffering in one way or another and nothing is being done to attempt a change in the circumstances.  The darkness flows through that house like a wild tsunami. 

I am not so terrible a person that I did not try to change their lifestyle, try to make them spin the bad into the good.  I have talked until I was blue in the face (or was that from the chemo?  sorry, bad cancer jokes got me through it all) but unless you are willing to change, you won't.   I cannot force someone to see the light, I can only show them the light that shines from within me and hope they learn from what I emit.

So as I sit back and bask in my inner peace, I cry for those who have not found their inner sanctum. Pardon me for being cliche, once you've hit rock bottom, there is only one way to go...up!  Cancer was my bottom.

I pray daily that no one has to hit hard like I did, in the way that I did, to realize one simple fact.

Once you have determined to be the optimist and leave the pessimist in the dirt, you will find life is a constantly changing, beautiful thing.   It's not an easy change to make, I still struggle with it on a daily basis, I am only human.  (No, radiation did not give me super powers or mutate me.... yet)  I am also not an expert on life.  I am merely here to observe and state my opinions, whether you care to read them matters not.  I write for myself and for maybe just ONE person out there.  One person that will read this and it will hit home.  One person that will take what I say to heart and understand what I am trying to say and attempt the long haul to happiness. 

If your life is pure bliss, you are doing something wrong and need to seek professional help, or share whatever drugs you are doing! (That was a joke, for those that can't afford a sense of humor)

Life really is a rollercoaster with it's ups and downs and twists and turns (I know I have used that analogy in the past and I am sorry) and even the enlightened still struggle.  Good vs. Evil is never an easily won battle, but my light saber is ready and I am willing and able!

Thank you Lord, for constantly providing for this family when we don't deserve it.  Please show all that they can find the light in the dark and have some peace for a change instead of consistent dread.

God Bless and may the force be with you. (I get bonus points for 2 Star Wars references, right?)

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Confront Your Demons!

  I had a life-changing experience at my high school reunion this weekend.  Sure, 25 years had gone by since we had graduated, but some things you carry with you forever.

One thing I have been carrying with me since my freshmen year is low self-esteem,only on a particular subject caused by a silly 15 year old boy, but it impacted my life.  He made fun of my eyes.  He asked me "Why are your eyes so squinty?".   It may not be a big deal to you, but when you are a young girl, going through puberty and are made fun of by one of the coolest guys in school, it does affect you. 

I practiced keeping my eyes wide open for as long as I could (I have small eyes, thank you, not squinty) and it lasted up until last night. 

I didn't expect to see this guy again, since I did not see him RVSP for our reunion.  My stomach turned ill the minute he walked in!  There he was, the man that cursed me to be very unsure of myself when it came to my eyes.  EYES!   The truly awkward thing is that I grew to LOVE my eyes.  I think they are my best feature.  How strange is that?   My downfall is also my favorite part of me. 

I took nearly all of the night to work up the nerve to confront him about this.  Yes, confront him!  I truly believe when someone has made a negative impact on your world you should and NEED to let them know.  I had to, for my own self.  Bullies are no fun.  I have a son that is bullied and I see what it does to his self-esteem and it crushes me.  I know how he feels and what he is thinking.  I can't fix it.  So, I decided to set an example, albeit 25+ years later. 

I described the who, what, when, where and how to my bully.  I made him think back to his behavior in high school.  I wasn't the only one picked on, trust me.  I received a heart-felt apology and a great load lifted from my shoulders.  He knew he was a jerk in high school, most boys were.  I told him I wasn't doing this to make him feel bad, but to make me feel good, to help recover what was taken from me and to be able to tell my son what I did so that he too, could work up the nerve to stand up and speak out.  I told him I had to set an example for my son, that facing your bully is nerve-wracking and a tad bit scary, but it will make you feel wonderful in the end.  I took my life back, at least the part of it that had left me so insecure. 

By the way, readers, I have been told over the years how beautiful my eyes were and how they loved the deep, green color.  I never believed them, but now I do. 

I was able to enjoy the remainder of the night feeling free and making a new, old friend.  I hope I am able to impart this wisdom on my son and give him the courage to do as I did. 

Hopefully, he won't carry around twenty-five years of insecurity.