Friday, October 26, 2012

About MG, but Not the Cool Car...

  Most of you have read my post about depression.  I am thankful for that.  I hope it helps some one, I truly do.  Alas, that was not my only issue.  I thought my aches, pains and lack of energy were all due to the depression, I was wrong. 

Before my cancerous, pain in the ass thymus was removed, it decided to leave me with a gift, a very special antibody.  How long it has been producing this antibody is unknown, it's gone now, so who the hell cares. What this antibody does is leave you with Myasthenia Gravis, or MG for short. 

Here's the textbook definition as stolen by the Myasthenia Gravis Foundation of America (crap, you know it's bad when there's a foundation for it!)*

*Myasthenia Gravis (pronounced My-as-theen-ee-a Grav-us) comes from the Greek and Latin words meaning "grave muscular weakness." The most common form of MG is a chronic autoimmune neuromuscular disorder that is characterized by fluctuating weakness of the voluntary muscle groups.
Common symptoms can include:

  • A drooping eyelid
  • Blurred or double vision
  • Slurred speech
  • Difficulty chewing and swallowing
  • Weakness in the arms and legs
  • Chronic muscle fatigue
  • Difficulty breathing

Holy shit!  Cancer AND this too?  Wow, what a lucky gal am I!!

Nah, I'm not really handling this as well as you may think.  Two steps forwards and like 100 back! 
Unfortunately, I  missed my doctor's appointment to go over my regimen of whatever, I don't know what he has in mind.  I didn't miss it on purpose, insomnia has struck fiercely and I am not getting to sleep until the hours of 4am-6am and sleeping until nearly 11am most days.  I am an early riser, so this is definitely not me!  I slept right through my appointment!  It was a frustrating day yesterday to say the least.

Now, I must wrap my tired little brain around this, cope as best as I possibly can, and pray, pray, pray!!

This too shall pass, or me first... I'm not clear on the details yet.  I need to go more in depth with my doctor, but he decided it was a great time to take a vacation and so now I must wait a month more to find out what's in store for this broken doll. 

Never give up, never give in! 

On a brighter note, I totally scarred my toddler for life today.  I took her to pick out her costume at a Halloween-chain store.  You know, those kind that have the "animatronic" monsters.  Yup, you got it, massive decibels of screams came from this tiny tot.  4 hours later and my ears are still ringing.  Oh boy!  Trick or Treating this year is going to be some treat with all the little ghouls and goblins running around and my anti-zombie girl peeing herself with each step! 
I hope she learns in time for Halloween next year, in order to fit in with this family, you must embrace the gore or go!  (I really won't make her go, unless  it's to the bathroom).
The hauntingly good fun shall never cease in this house!  We are one "spook"tacular family!

Happy Halloween and Boo!!  to you MG! :P

*for more information on MG, please visit

Saturday, October 20, 2012

A "Private" Horror

  Kids, they make me laugh.  It doesn't matter their age, they are always doing or saying something funny.  The young ones though, they get me every time.  They are always coming up with new and inventive ways to say things, and discovering new things every day.  It's always an adventure when you have a toddler, nothing is sacred in discussions with them.  They will talk about anything!  They will discover everything!

Especially their "private parts". 

During a moment of "muscular weakness" on my part, I was especially frustrated at trying to get the panties back on my little girl.  She kept giggling and squirming while I was trying to get her feet into them.  It's just one of the things kids do, make getting dressed extremely difficult.  They enjoy watching us go from light-hearted to a frustrated ball of exasperation.

My arms now feeling like spaghetti, needed a break from the struggle.  I told her to have a seat on the bed.  She laid down, exploring her now naked buttocks and proceeded to check out her vaginal area.  Thus hilarity ensued...


Me:  What's wrong?

Toddler:  What is that thing?

Me:  What thing?

Toddler:  The thing growing out of my "hoo hoo"!

Her face was completely horror stricken as if some giant insect was forging it way out of her "hoo hoo" (our nice name for it)

Me:  That's your vulva (trying my best to not giggle hysterically)

Toddler:  What is it?

Me:  Your V U L V A, vulva.  It where your pee comes out.

Toddler:  Where does my pee come from?

Me:  Your vulva.

Toddler:  Why?

Me:  I don't know, God made you that way.

Toddler:  I don't want it!!!

Me:  You have to have it, all girls do.

Toddler:  All girls have my "bulba"?

Me:  No, you have yours and they have theirs.

Toddler:  Why?

Me:  I don't know.  Aren't you watching Dora or something?

Later on when the teenage daughter comes home, I go over this conversation with her and the toddler over hears. 

Toddler:  Look!  I'm touching my "Foofa"!!

Teenager:  Ew, gross, don't do that!

Me:  I am sure that "Yo, Gabba Gabba" would not appreciate you calling your vulva after one of their characters.

Toddler:  What?

Me:  Never mind.

And thus it begins....the private parts will no longer be private anymore.  *sigh*  Here we go again!
Just when I thought I had been through this with all the others, I get to enjoy even more!  Oh, yay for me!

Friday, October 19, 2012

How to Avoid Volunteering and Alienate Yourself

Cornered by the committees?  Pounced upon by the PTA? 

If there are some of you out there that are like me, and hate being roped into committees, volunteering, the PTA, etc. at your child’s daycare/elementary school, I have some sure-fire ways to NEVER get asked to participate.  WARNING:  These suggestions may also get you kicked out of day cares/schools and/or require you to have a psychological evaluation.   

On a side note, warn your child ahead of time about the discussions. All pertain to the teacher’s daily report on your child’s behavior.  Make sure MOMS are around in ear shot and that they cannot hear your child’s response.   A nice, little high five for the praise and a frustrated or understanding tone for the troublesome notes will go a long way.   

1.          “Oh, I’m so proud of you!  You didn’t stab any one today!”

2.       “I am happy you are having show and tell tomorrow, but you may not bring your gun.  They don’t allow weapons in school.  Mommy will take you shooting later.”

3.       "Sweetie we don’t bite.  No, you are NOT a zombie.  You have not been bitten by one.  Once you are, then and only then may you eat other children.”

4.       “How many times to I have to remind you, when you run with scissors, run with the point near YOU so you don’t stab anybody, only yourself!  Remember, safety first!”

5.       “No, you may not bring home the dead bird you found.  Do you realize we have nearly 10 graves in the back yard already from all the dead things you drag home?”

6.       “So I see we’ve had an especially awful day.  I guess you will have to go into your closet for a while.  Yes, you WILL have to sit in the special chair.”

7.       “Honey, you need to stop saying Satan is your father.  You are going to scare other children.”

8.       “This is a religious school, you can’t just walk around asking kids to join your coven.”
9.   "You MUST stop eating bugs in front of the other children.  If you must munch on an insect, please do so in private."

10.       Last but not least, “Come along, Buggy Butt”  (turn to another parent and whisper, “Don’t ask about the nickname, it’s a medical condition and we don’t speak about it in front of him/her.”)


Have fun tormenting the other parents and enjoy never having to volunteer again!
P.S.  If you DO happen to take this advice, which is meant ONLY in jest, I am truly worried about you and request you do get that psychological evaluation!
P.P.S.  I HAVE had my evaluation, and although my humor is sick, I'm all good! :)

Monday, October 15, 2012

Random Socks

There is no way in hell you can walk into my house and find it perfectly neat.  Let's face facts, I have teenagers, a toddler and have been sick for quite some time.  I have come to embrace the term "clutter".  I would not consider it disgusting, just messy.  Toys scattered, teens forgetting there is such a thing as a garbage can when it comes to soda cans, chip bags, etc.  Basically, it's totally and completely the "lived-in" look. 

Poking, prodding, grounding and the like just don't work when it comes to getting them to do chores.  The prodding is sounding better as long as it's a cattle prod and I am at the correct end of the stick!  They want MONEY now, for all they do.  UGH!  They have received allowance here and there, but it's never lasted for one reason for another.  They either slack off and don't deserve it or I just can't afford to fork it over.

What gets my goat the most (I honestly wish I had a goat to solve this issue), I mean, really sets me en fuego?


Yes, they toss their socks around like confetti and to make matters worse, my dog has a foot fetish.  At a minimum of five times a day I have to ask, "Kaylee has a sock, who's is it?"  and it totally grinds my gears.  She chews holes in them, hello!!  You all know this and yet you still toss your socks on the ground like some sock fairy is going to deposit them in the hampers.  Oh wait, I WAS the sock fairy for years!  If I do get that cattle prod, I will be the SHOCK FAIRY!  Zapping their little butts would just crack me up. 

I spent 10 minutes the other day JUST picking up socks!  How the dog manages to drag them to the places she does amazes me.  In a child's play tent?  Really?  OK, I get it, you must now be sneaky to eat the socks.  We have halted you from eating our shoes and now your foot fetish must be your deep, dark poochy secret.  I get that everyone has an addiction, but could you find a cheaper one, Kaylee?

How about a snack-food fetish?  Grab those soda cans and chips bags and march them to the trash for me.  Not only would it be awesome to teach you that, but helpful in the long run.  It's getting much too expensive to keep replacing socks that you only chew the HEEL on.  At least if you ate the toes off, we would have several pairs to make sock buns with! 

Oh yeah, and if we have to pull one more string out of your butt...

Monday, October 1, 2012

If you think...

I have a need to say a few things... so if I offend you... GOOD!  The message hit home!

If you think life is easy, then you do not belong on this planet!  Life is a complex struggle between good and evil, right and wrong, the poor and the wealthy, the weak and the strong. If you are sailing through without any issues, I totally hate you. No, I mean it, HATE!

If you think the world revolves around YOU, why the hell am I not burning up?  That would mean you are the SUN!  Get over yourself, you ego-maniacal jerk and realize there are more people here than just you.  The only reason I wear shades does not have to do with "your" brightness, but the brightness of my future!  (Thank you for the great lyrics, Timbuk 3)

If you think I am going to pucker up these lips to any one's ass, you are sorely mistaken!  I am a genuine soul, I will tell you what I think, in my time, when I so choose, if I so choose!  This nose will never be brown, nor will these lips EVER suck the rectum of some loser to get what I want.  Just for those of you that do, I give you the one-finger salute!  How about being yourself to achieve your dreams or is that a new concept to you?

If you think you can move forward, kicking dust in my face, then I have some news for you.  I will be eating that dust just to spit it back in your face.  That's right, my honest ways versus your deceit will always win out.  When you look for me, I will be the one laughing and pointing, at the finish line, while you are still looking for your lost shoe in the race of life.

If you think I will go quietly, you obviously don't know me!  I will be singing, laughing, and dancing my way through everything that gets thrown at me.  I may stumble here and there, but the outcome will always be the same... TRIUMPH!

If you think I am alone in this world, look again.  GOD is at my side, and although I may not sound or write like a typical "Christian", I am.  What I say and how I chose to say it is between me and the "Big Guy' and not any of your concern.  Worry about your soul, I will worry about mine.

If you think you have to be mean to people to reach them, wake the hell up!  I bet I have reached more people with my kindness than you have with your nasty ways.  Why in the hell would people give you the time of day if you only show your ass?  Try smiling, or will that crack your face???

If you think that I'm a freak, thank you!  It's the highest honor to be different and not just one of the "sheeple".  If you literally follow the pack of the "what should be normal" in looks and behavior, I have lost all respect for you.  Be an individual for freak's sake!  The world has enough boredom running around, let's make it lively!

If you think all people weren't created equal, bye-bye!  I don't need you around in my life!  Close-minded assholes need not apply.  Love one another, people. I said love, dammit... LOVE!!

If you think this post is just a ramble, you are right.  But it's MY ramble, MY blog and MY RIGHT to ramble, so shove off!  (for those of you that have stayed long enough to reach this far, I treasure you)

If you think I love you, you are definitely correct :)

If you think I stole this photo, BUZZ!  Wrong answer!

Photo courtesy of Kristen Johnston

Follow her on Twitter @kjothesmartass
Read her book GUTS

(no, I am NOT smooching her butt...she is incredible, she is raw, she is incredibly funny and she is a friend and I totally love and respect this woman.  I also got her permission to use this photo as it went so well with my rant)  So bleh to you !  

P.S.  On a "health" note, for those that still tune in for my medical drama...  It looks like Myasthenia Gravis may be my new diagnoses.  Ick!  It explains EVERYTHING I have dealt with for the last few years.  I will be tested for the anti-bodies on the 11th.  I will update then, with a more in-depth explanation of this shit, MG.