Monday, August 26, 2013

Aw, crap. I'm human.

  My kids are enough... My kids are enough... My kids are eno... Oh hello!  Yes, it's been a while, hasn't it.

I'm sorry, I took a mental health hiatus.  Nah, sorry.  I'm still crazy.  I just needed time to myself and time to adjust to a "different" me.  A me that is coming to terms with certain, shall we call them realities, and how to deal. 

A me that is nearly 2 years cancer free.

A me that is not taking shit off of anyone, any longer.

A me that is...............   lonely.

I admit it, okay?  I've been telling myself for the longest time that my kids are enough and I don't need a man.  That is true, my kids ARE enough and I DON'T need a man. 

I just really want one

I honestly didn't even think of a relationship up until now.  There was no room in my life for anyone that wasn't family or female.  I was sick, I was getting well, I was depressed, I was getting well.  See the pattern?  Who had time for a relationship?  Not me!  For the last 5, yes dammit, you heard that right, for the last 5 years I have been a work in progress. 

I was carrying my beautiful daughter, giving her life, battling cancer and recovering from it's aftermath.

It wasn't until a conversation with a friend that I realized I had a hole in my life.  I didn't want that hole, I certainly don't need that hole and it just wasn't welcome.

I was lying to myself.

I do miss the human touch.  I miss knowing you are loved and loving back.  5 years of celibacy really clears your damn head.  It's makes you put everything into perspective.  You learn what is truly important and what is fluff.

I will never need that man.  I will want him.  I feel sorry for those woman who feel they are incomplete with out a partner attached to their hip.  I've never felt more a woman than I do at this moment, messy hair, sweats and all! 

Now to sit back and be choosy.  I've earned that right.  I'm old enough now that I know what I want and I won't settle for less than that.  I CAN be alone.  I CAN live forever without a partner and be fine.

I just don't wanna.