Monday, August 26, 2013
Aw, crap. I'm human.
My kids are enough... My kids are enough... My kids are eno... Oh hello! Yes, it's been a while, hasn't it.
I'm sorry, I took a mental health hiatus. Nah, sorry. I'm still crazy. I just needed time to myself and time to adjust to a "different" me. A me that is coming to terms with certain, shall we call them realities, and how to deal.
A me that is nearly 2 years cancer free.
A me that is not taking shit off of anyone, any longer.
A me that is............... lonely.
I admit it, okay? I've been telling myself for the longest time that my kids are enough and I don't need a man. That is true, my kids ARE enough and I DON'T need a man.
I just really want one
I honestly didn't even think of a relationship up until now. There was no room in my life for anyone that wasn't family or female. I was sick, I was getting well, I was depressed, I was getting well. See the pattern? Who had time for a relationship? Not me! For the last 5, yes dammit, you heard that right, for the last 5 years I have been a work in progress.
I was carrying my beautiful daughter, giving her life, battling cancer and recovering from it's aftermath.
It wasn't until a conversation with a friend that I realized I had a hole in my life. I didn't want that hole, I certainly don't need that hole and it just wasn't welcome.
I was lying to myself.
I do miss the human touch. I miss knowing you are loved and loving back. 5 years of celibacy really clears your damn head. It's makes you put everything into perspective. You learn what is truly important and what is fluff.
I will never need that man. I will want him. I feel sorry for those woman who feel they are incomplete with out a partner attached to their hip. I've never felt more a woman than I do at this moment, messy hair, sweats and all!
Now to sit back and be choosy. I've earned that right. I'm old enough now that I know what I want and I won't settle for less than that. I CAN be alone. I CAN live forever without a partner and be fine.
I just don't wanna.