Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Observations from the End of a Noose (Chapter I)

Ok, I decided to post the original on here after all.  It's much funnier than today's and I really want to keep my writing together.

Happy Reading!

As I relax upright on my bed, where I have been for the last week, I have had some realizations.
1.  Children really do suffer from brain damage. (credit to Bill Cosby)  Why are they so self-sufficient when you are well and then when you are sick, they seem to forget all they knew just that day before?   Brain-damage!!

2.  Friends will send you well-wishes, pray and chat with you.  Best friends will check on you daily, bring you comfort food and try to get your ass motivated!

3.  I think that men suffer from brain-damage as well, for they seem to be unable to do the things they normally do when you are down for the count.  They also forget where things are, only able to find the remote to the TV.  Now that is the kicker, when you are well, it's no where to be found, when you are sick... they find it easy enough.

4.  The tolerance level of men greatly decreases when you are sick.  Let's face it, men are gross.  But let one nasty thing fly out of your mouth when you are hacking and coughing and it's the end of the world.  Oh sure, it's ok for you to spit out nasty things on a regular basis, don't mind us.

5.  Kleenex, Puffs, or whatever your choice brand  need to come in an industrial size just for women.  We wipe our noses, our children's noses, dry our friend's tears, not to mention our own.  I find it funny that the only time a man seems to need one is when we are knocking on death's door, clinging to our tissues, and they grab the last one.  Is this a conspiracy?

6.  I need a new bed.  Yes, this last week has shown me my bed is much too comfortable.  Maybe if I had a concrete one, I would suddenly feel better.

7.  When you look your worst is when company comes by unannounced.  Thank you for visiting, I love my friends, but use a telephone please!  My appearance at the moment makes Medusa look hot!

8.  Being sick is great for weight loss.  I am asking my friends, when you are sick, to please come by and sneeze or cough on me, I am not size 5 yet...

9.  Housework will NOT get done while you are sick, quite the opposite in fact.  By the time you are well enough to move about, your home should be featured on a "Hoarders" episode, even though you have designated chores to your loving family.

10.  You never realize how much crap you truly have until it's strewn about the house, laundry room and garage.  See number 9 for the reason.

Thank you to all my friends and family for the wonderful way you take care of me.  Thank you to my best friends for the actual way you take care of me!!

Copyright 2011 ~ Wendy L. Loose

Observations from the End of a Noose (chapter II)

Here are a few more observations about life and death, passed to you from my weary eyes and wicked brain.  Please do NOT take the "end of a noose" literally.  I am not typing and close to swinging at the same time.  Some people are at the end of their ropes..... mine happens to be a noose, since I have no clue what my future holds.  ;)

1.  People suck.  Yes, there ya go.  It doesn't matter if they are good, bad, indifferent or biased.  People will suck forever.  If one isn't letting you down, then another is, time and time again.  The lesson we must learn is to not "suck" ourselves.  We must be there for ourselves when others can't.  Get off the pity train and hop on the "I will do it myself" express!  Sure, once in a while you may let yourself down or be disappointed in yourself, but at least you learn a lesson and don't repeat the behavior. (I would hope anyway!)

2.  They aren't making good movies and the music stinks these days.  Now, this conclusion leads to another one... I am getting old.  I can remember when my mother made this same statement.  She was referring to the 80s movies and music!  GASP!  The best decade ever for music (MJ, Madonna, Hair Bands, John Hughes movies, The Star Wars and Raiders trilogies) and movies.  When you start noticing that music and movies stink, it means you are aging and your tastes are changing.  They told me chemo would affect my taste buds, but they didn't say it would affect my taste in music and movies!!   I tell ya, if this is all chemo... someone HAS to pay!  (Pay me back for all the money I have wasted watching some movies On Demand lately, they were terrible!)

3.  Diapers are way too fancy.  Denim, seriously?   Now they have diapers that are a step between the ordinary diaper and Pull-Ups.  Really?  You need a step in between?   (yes, this consumer did buy the in between step diapers and is quite impressed).  Diapers hold urine and crap.  You don't need something fancy to hold urine and crap, you just want durable.  I am not going to apologize for wanting crap contained no matter what.  As much crap as a baby produces over it's 2-3 years of diaper wearing, if you quit with all the bells and whistles, you may just makes diapers more affordable again!  Again, the economy sucks and you are making diapers more expensive which means there are more poor children running around in diapers that aren't containing their crap because their parents can't afford those fancy things.  Thanks, you bunch of "diapers must be pretty" freaks!  THEY HOLD CRAP!  GET THE POINT!

4.  Too many people tip toe through life.  Jump, don't tip toe!  I don't give a crap (no, no diapers in this one) how old you are, try something new.  I recently tried crab legs, 40+ years of refusing and I finally gave in.  I LOVE IT!!  I haven't been able to get those leggy creatures out of my mind!  My mouth waters with every thought.  I look forward to going out to eat again just so I can eat some crab!  Now, if I had been a coward, I would know the sweet, tender taste of a crab.  It's part of my plan, to do something I have never done whenever I have the opportunity.  In this hole of a town, my experiences will be limited to food more than likely, but once I kick cancer in the ass... it's hello WORLD!

I hope you enjoyed some of my observations, I hope you can relate!  If you missed Chapter I, let me know... I don't think it's up here, it's (shocker) on another site! 
Always remember to look to the sky for answers, He is listening!
Tip your observers, we are the philosophers of the day!  (My donation button is on here somewhere and it's to help my family through my cancer battle) We thank you!
God Bless and stay tuned.... surgery part II will becoming soon!!