Friday, October 19, 2012

How to Avoid Volunteering and Alienate Yourself

Cornered by the committees?  Pounced upon by the PTA? 

If there are some of you out there that are like me, and hate being roped into committees, volunteering, the PTA, etc. at your child’s daycare/elementary school, I have some sure-fire ways to NEVER get asked to participate.  WARNING:  These suggestions may also get you kicked out of day cares/schools and/or require you to have a psychological evaluation.   

On a side note, warn your child ahead of time about the discussions. All pertain to the teacher’s daily report on your child’s behavior.  Make sure MOMS are around in ear shot and that they cannot hear your child’s response.   A nice, little high five for the praise and a frustrated or understanding tone for the troublesome notes will go a long way.   

1.          “Oh, I’m so proud of you!  You didn’t stab any one today!”

2.       “I am happy you are having show and tell tomorrow, but you may not bring your gun.  They don’t allow weapons in school.  Mommy will take you shooting later.”

3.       "Sweetie we don’t bite.  No, you are NOT a zombie.  You have not been bitten by one.  Once you are, then and only then may you eat other children.”

4.       “How many times to I have to remind you, when you run with scissors, run with the point near YOU so you don’t stab anybody, only yourself!  Remember, safety first!”

5.       “No, you may not bring home the dead bird you found.  Do you realize we have nearly 10 graves in the back yard already from all the dead things you drag home?”

6.       “So I see we’ve had an especially awful day.  I guess you will have to go into your closet for a while.  Yes, you WILL have to sit in the special chair.”

7.       “Honey, you need to stop saying Satan is your father.  You are going to scare other children.”

8.       “This is a religious school, you can’t just walk around asking kids to join your coven.”
9.   "You MUST stop eating bugs in front of the other children.  If you must munch on an insect, please do so in private."

10.       Last but not least, “Come along, Buggy Butt”  (turn to another parent and whisper, “Don’t ask about the nickname, it’s a medical condition and we don’t speak about it in front of him/her.”)


Have fun tormenting the other parents and enjoy never having to volunteer again!
P.S.  If you DO happen to take this advice, which is meant ONLY in jest, I am truly worried about you and request you do get that psychological evaluation!
P.P.S.  I HAVE had my evaluation, and although my humor is sick, I'm all good! :)

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