Things have a way of slapping you across the face sometimes. It's not always a bad thing. We all need those moments where we must come to our senses. I was NOT prepared for this slap...
I was just minding my own business, honestly, living my life, raising my kids and just being me. I am happy for the most part. Being single does suck sometimes, but more often than not I am happy I am. This heart has been slapped together with duct tape so many times, I prefer it not fall apart again thanks to the opposite sex.
It changed me. Now, all of a sudden I am thrown back to 2008. Mr. Got Away (Mick) contacted me. We have always kept in touch here and there, like I stated in part 1, but now... he mentioned "rekindle".
If you read part 1, you know I never got over him, ever. You also know he has/had a girlfriend. I am not sure which it is, I didn't ask (yes, because I didn't want the answer) but I assume he does. He is not the cheating kind, so of course I am wondering WTH is going on with him. We chatted for hours like we used to, taking up most of my day and it was good to relive some happy memories. We laughed, flirted, reminisced and all was normal.
Normal? 4 YEARS AGO NORMAL!
I still have all of our chat logs and I opened them and started reading. I haven't done that since we split up and now I know why. I fell in love with Mr. Got Away all over again. I never stopped loving him, but to fall back so deeply? I must be nucking futs! Right? Please, someone tell me that is possible. I haven't smiled like this in years, nor blushed, nor felt butterflies. He was the last person to make me fly higher than humanly possible, and here he is again, and here I go flying again.
Tears, lots and lots of tears. They are flowing for no reason. Happy? Melancholy? Sad? Alone? I don't know what I am feeling, I am so confused. I honestly haven't missed having a guy around. I don't NEED a man to feel complete. It would be nice to have one, but I have been so busy taking care of me that I honestly didn't care if one came along or not. If you follow my life, you know this past year was dreadful and there really wasn't room for a man in my life. Sure, it would have been nice to have one for comfort during the rough times, but I had my friends and they did a great job.
As I read the chat logs, I went to all the song links he sent me, to describe his love for me. MELT!
I must be a complete nutter to jump with both feet again. We never did anything slow in the first place, why should we change now?
Hope. I never lost it. How high do I want to hope? Last time it ended badly with him being too impatient on how complicated our situation was during that period of time. I sent him one chat log, to remind him of what we said/did/had back then. He lost most of our entire history when his laptop crapped out. I really don't know why I did. What will that do? Just because I fell for the words we used to share (wish I had phone recordings as well as live video), will it make him? Doubtful, he's a man. Who knows, he may be saying these same words to his current girl. I really don't know.
Loyal. Yes, he's VERY loyal, so I am totally confused on why he would do this if all is perfect in his relationship. Hell, even if it's not perfect, he shouldn't be doing this, it's not like him and it's just wrong. If he's not happy, and hasn't gotten me out of his head either (from what he says) he shouldn't be with her at all! It's not fair to her, to any of us. I have always glared at the photos of them with a contempt for her, like we ladies all tend to do when someone we love has someone new. Today, I looked and felt pity. For her? For me? I honestly don't know. I know him, REALLY know him and I don't understand all of this. I just don't. I wish I had a magic fairy to explain all of this shit to me. Should he crush my heart once again, there is no amount of duct tape in the world to fix it this time around.
We were engaged, we were in love, we were happy. We were "over the moon" happy. We were such a sappy couple. I am sure the people we were around were gagging at the amount of happiness and love we exuded. I am not stretching the truth either. We were sickening. Our holiday to the city was more like a honeymoon than a normal vacation. We said we had found our soul mate, he said it first. I will never forget that. He said he prayed in church to find his love and just a week later, there I was. Instant connection. Everything in common. Because of him, I do believe in love at first sight.
I guess my biggest question would be, if I were that important once, and he contacts me again WHILE having a girlfriend (I am assuming, his status says he's in a relationship with her), what the hell does that mean? If it was/is true love, does it ever really win out in the end? Does anyone have a happy ending, ever, outside of fairy tales?
So again, I sit waiting for that message. Has he changed his mind between yesterday and today? Did he finally come to his senses and only had a fleeting moment of nostalgia? I just know it's 4 years ago as I sit and wait for him to message me. I don't wait for people. For him? I think I would wait an eternity. I only wish he would open up liked he used to and truly tell me what is going on, not just how he missed me and how he messed up with us.
I will wait.
Mr. Got Away came back, for now.