Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Question Mark

I have got to tell you, I'm getting more and more paranoid. 

Every little pain, ache, tingle or cough makes me wonder if the cancer is back.  My right arm gets tired, is it cancerous?  My abdomen is cramping, is there cancer there?  My leg aches, is it possible it spread down there?

Oh yes, these are my daily, no... HOURLY thoughts.  Having panic disorder does not help one bit.  The panic attacks are worse and more frequent now. 

Why now, you ask?

My PET scan is coming up, very soon!

The original one was cancelled (thank you lovely state provided insurance for saying I no longer need them) and so I have re-scheduled for September.  It should have been Friday and they always leave me scared out of my mind for at least two weeks prior. 

I probably wouldn't be so worried if I didn't know the statistics of getting a second cancer from my treatments. 

I also would be far less worried if I wasn't still suffering from some of the side effects ( and I will have those forever, unfortunately).

I often wonder if I am the only one that thinks this way, out of those of us that have survived a battle with cancer.

It is at that moment I ponder death.  I am in no way making light of dying from cancer in this next statement, nor is it meant to offend any one.  It's days like these that make me wish I had lost my battle.  No, you misunderstand.  I am grateful for my life, I am watching my kids grow and change.  What I would rather do without is the constant question of WHEN is it going to return, it's not an "if".
That's when I truly wish I had lost.  This constant question mark that hangs over my head and journeys with me where ever I go is so very annoying!  I see them over other's heads now, as well.
My question marks have become new expiration date symbols. 

I look at people and wonder how long they have.  I no longer see faces, but death masks.  Morbid, isn't it?  I look at my children and pray that they have decades.  I look at my face and weep.  I know not of my time and it bothers me.  I will be honest with any body that asks, I am terrified to die.  I know there is a place for me in Heaven and that should make it glorious, but alas, it does not.  I will not be of this plane any longer nor will I be able to hug my little ones.   I have a grandchild I long to see, I have a toddler I want to see go to school, I have a daughter I want to see graduate medical school and get married.  I have three sons that I want to watch turn into men and make their way in this big world.  I have siblings, nieces and nephews that I wish to spend time with but they are too far away. 


Just that little punctuation mark, that you use on a daily basis, is my world.

What is your punctuation mark?  Have you ever thought of that or considered what would best describe your life?   Probably not.  I pray you never have to under these circumstances.  1 year ago, mine would have been the ever so popular exclamation point!  I was loud, out going and boisterous. 
One curve in my life-path turned it into a ?

! + life = ? 

The new equation that has now become me.

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