The more you say it, the less scarier it is right? NO! Even singing a child's song doesn't change that word, it's frightening no matter what. I am learning it is JUST a word, not a sentence. I am learning that it's not fair the amount of people and the ages it has it's nasty hands touch. I am also learning just how hard it is on your physically.
This has been a week from h e double hockey sticks, HELL! I have barely been on my computer, only feeling strong enough to look at the T.V. I had to send my youngest away for the week because my blood counts were low and she was contagious. What a mom! Would someone hand me the "worst mother of the year" award now, please? I was told it was for both of us, to protect me and to ensure she had a mommy for as long as possible. I can get sick from anything when my white cells are low, and that would put me in the hospital. It still didn't feel right, not being there for my baby when she was at her worst. It doesn't feel right that my kids have to take care of me instead of vice versa. When you are struck with cancer, nothing feels right!
When trudging to the bathroom is a chore, you know you're sick. Six steps away, literally and I was worn out! I don't recall ever being that worn out since marriage! That's another story though, for a different audience, ha! Life isn't all it's cracked up to be when you have cancer. Yes, I use that world a lot and no, it still isn't easy to do so. Cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer! Nope, no easier. I am sure plenty of you know someone that has or has had cancer. We are all the same on the inside. We are all praying and hoping for the best while being terrified like a child that sees shadows in the night. We put up bold fronts for our loved ones while crying in a corner when no one is looking. We struggle to push through the lack of energy and the rush of nausea all the while longing for normalcy.
For an entire week, I felt numb. No feelings. Zip, zero, zilch! Spock and I could have competed in a battle of emotions and I would have won, I am certain. I faked happiness for the children's sake. I laughed at jokes to make my friends happy. Tears fell and I had no reason for them to fall. I didn't understand what the hell was happening to me. I still can't figure it out. I have my emotions back at least, I am feeling again. When Serenity came home yesterday from her week away, I cried. I cried so hard my eyes hurt. She was a sight for sore eyes, pardon the pun. She was the most beautiful sight I believe I have ever seen. Hearing her yelling "Mommy!" pulled out whatever the darkness was that was devouring my soul. Maybe it was the lack of her presence in my little world that caused it in the first place. I am still pondering that. I will let you know if I ever have the answer. I don't think I will. I believe that cancer not only eats at our bodies but our minds and souls as well.
Now, for a more positive word. I have a donation site, linked to this very page. It's the end of the month and per usual, I was panicking about how I was going to pay rent and the rest of the bills. I am not working and supporting my family, or trying to at least. It's not the easiest thing in the world, coming to grips with cancer and stressing over finances. I really need to remember that God provides. I go through this every month and every month I am fine, thanks to Him. I was abundantly blessed yesterday with over $800 in donations. I was also blessed with a car being loaned to us for the time being. You just never know what is around the corner. Faith. It can move mountains and change your own little world the way it has mine. I truly don't know what my mind set would be without God so present in my life. I am afraid that darkness would have swallowed me up whole had not the pure love of God and my daughter shone through. She is my little angel on Earth, sent from the heavens as a gift, as are all my children. Despite the pitfalls that cancer brings, I am truly blessed!