You know the saying... I felt sorry for the man with no shoes, until I saw the man with no feet. Another angel came to me in chemo yesterday and made me halt all my jealousy and pity for myself.
Recently one of my friends was deemed "cancer free" for the moment and boy, did the jealousy rise! No chemo, no radiation, just surgery and yet is future his still uncertain. But the moment I heard the current diagnosis, I was envious. I know, pathetic right? I felt a certain self-pity for myself that I have to go through all this crap and then my angel sat next to me in chemo yesterday.
He wasn't an old man from the looks of him, but not close to my age that is for sure. We started talking about our cancers and I found out he has an inoperable tumor on his brain and chemo is his last hope. He has lost all movement in his left arm due to the location of the tumor. If the chemo shrinks the tumor, he will gain it back, but it's still inoperable. So, I became the (wo)man with no shoes and he became the man with no feet. I felt horrible for even feeling a bit sorry for myself when I was literally talking to a dead man. We prayed together both believing that God's healing hands can still work miracles on him. I hope they do. I loved his spirit, he was not depressed at all, he felt no pity, he accepted it for what it was knowing he was in God's hands. Now, I know this too... that God is carrying me right now, but every now and then I let that knowledge slip and crawl back into my shell.
Today I graduated from chemo!! I will say "for now". I have a CT scan in 2 weeks to determine if it worked on shrinking my tumor. I am afraid it didn't but I can't let my fears get in the way of my faith that God shrank it for me. I just don't want to repeat chemo. It's been the worst experience of my LIFE! I will take spousal abuse over chemo, I will take date rape over chemo (and yes, I can say that because I have been there and done that!) and I will take childbirth over chemo. It's taken it's toll both physically and mentally. I know I repeat myself a lot but I want to take care of my children, I want to work, I want to enjoy activities with my friends and not be a crumpled tower.
Rule #32: Enjoy the little things in life (thanks Zombieland!)
I have decided to do a reverse style bucket list and appreciate what I have seen and done so far. I am not ready to make that bucket list yet!!
1. Sights I will never get sick of seeing:
a. My children's faces.
b. The Manhattan Skyline
c. My friends laughing/crying with me
2. My 2 summers spent in Toronto
3. The fact that I gave the greatest gift of all: a child of mine to a couple that couldn't have them. God Bless you Y and P for taking care of her, she is a magnificent young woman and I am very proud to call her my bio-daughter :D
4. The times I had with my mother and the short time I had with my biological father before he passed when I was 2 1/2.
5. Living in Tampa with my very first fiancee.
6. Marrying those I married for each brought me children or a valuable lesson. I still hold you all dear.
7. The love of my life, which shall remain nameless, I am so sorry I let you get away.
8. Living on a farm throughout my childhood. It was the happiest place on Earth, forget Disney!
9. My sister, without whom I wouldn't have had a strong woman for an influence in my life growing up.
10. My brothers (at least SOME of them) who love me unconditionally just like my sister.
11. Best friends who have stuck by my side through thick and thin. Friends that continue to love and support me in many ways.
12. My children that never waiver in their love and my final blessing from God, Reni whose laughter and smile make it all worth it. (not saying the older ones don't .. she is just another one of my angels and I now know her purpose for being here, coming to me when the odds of getting pregnant again were stacked against me)
13. Strangers that give, that teach me something new everyday and show me life is NOT over.
16. My beautiful nieces and nephews and their children ( the ones that have kids at least), I can't wait to see them!
17. Being an Elliott... so much pride in that name!
(these are in no particular order, just typed as I thought and I am too tired to rearrange them!)
I tell you all, take the time to enjoy the little things, count your blessing daily and you will be amazed at all you do have. Stop worrying about what you don't have, for it will come in time when you least expect it.