Friday, June 8, 2012

Motherhood (aka Hand Me A Valium)

  I have never pretended to be the perfect mom.  I am so far from June Cleaver, in fact, I would make Ward run for dear life!  I don't have any idea what I am doing day to day as a mom.  I can only go with what I feel and hope to God it's good enough to not do too much damage to their developing brains.

Yes, I have been known to throw a shoe or two...or three... but I have bad aim.  They always thought it was funny.  It was, until I picked up a flip-flop and flopped their little butts.  As you can tell, I am a true believer in spankings.  Now that most are grown, I don't dare try.  They are all bigger than me and could take me down in an instant (but don't tell them that!).   My three year old is the only one that I could wrestle down now.  I can't even chase the big ones that run from me when I am in "mom rage" mode.  Yup, RAGE!  I turn into this big, red, vein-popping monster when they are total butt heads.  I know their hormones are raging, but does that give them the right to speak to me like I'm a turd on their shoe?  No way!  I will not tolerate disrespect and they know it.  So when "evil mom" comes out, they run!  I make The Hulk look like a little bitch boy!  Oh boy, getting off track again.  What else is new with me?  I can't stay on one train of thought at a time, I ride the express train that has multiple destinations and stops. 

The point of this WHOLE blog was to show other mom's out there that at times we need our Valium, Xanax, bubble baths, champagne or whatever your choice of "get me out of this life now" medicine you need.  We have all been overwhelmed, over-tasked and over taken by these little people that we created.  The most important thing we have to remember is that they did not ask to be created.  We demanded that they be here and now that they are, we have those hair pulling moments.  IT'S OKAY!  I promise!  What is not okay is telling them that they shouldn't have EVER been here, that they are not wanted or should not have been born!  I get sick to my stomach when I think that parents say that to their children.  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?  WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR THAT YOURSELF?  I bet you wouldn't.  Vroooooooom, off track again.  Sorry.  Wait, a train doesn't go vrooom... okay then,  choo-choo! 

You've got to love chemo brain, or as it's otherwise fondly known, "brain fog".  The chemicals are still in my body and it causes me to lose my train of thought.  Last time I looked, it was somewhere near Albuquerque.  I am hoping it pulls into the station soon, so I can continue on my mommy mambo. 

Have you ever wanted to run away from home?  That's normal.  We all feel we are losing it from time to time.  We all worry if we are guiding our spawn in the right direction.  It's a hit or miss game, my friends.  There is no instruction booklet to pass out when they come from the dark into the light of the world.  A true testament to how you did won't be known until they are on their own and making their own way through this insane thing called "life".  Sure, we can see some of the good and bad things they do now and think "Oh, I am totally screwing them up" or "Damn, I'm good"... but that just isn't how it is.  The child that is perfect now may not be 10 years from now and vice versa.  I am also not saying that we as parents are to blame if they go out slaughtering people.  Most people know the basic right from wrong.  Minor troubles are our fault, big troubles are theirs!  Well, that's how I plan on explaining it away when one of my kids does something completely terrible.   If they totally win the Nobel Prize?  That's us as parents all the way!!  Do you see how easy it is? 

Good child:  We did it!
Bad child:  They did it.

Now go take that Valium and relax.  You are fine.  You are a good parent.  Keep telling yourself that before go to bed every night. 

One more thing, if your child starts torturing animals when they are young, just tell your friends they are planning on becoming a veterinarian... then get them psychological help immediately and up your Valium dosage... by a lot!

*DISCLAIMER:  I am in no way, shape or form an expert in parenting, psychology or psychiatry.  I am just an expert in sarcasm and sick humor.  

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