Thursday, March 8, 2012

Chaos and Clutter

  It's been so long since I wrote my very first word on this blog that I can't remember if I ever explained the title.  The cancer part... obvious.  The chaos and clutter?   Well, that is a very long story that I will try to make short just for you readers.

  Chaos.  Webster's Dictionary gives this definition: 

1  obsolete : chasm, abyss
2  a:  often capitalized : a state of things in which chance is supreme; especially : the confused unorganized state of primordial matter before the creation of distinct forms — compare cosmos   b : the inherent unpredictability in the behavior of a complex natural system (as the atmosphere, boiling water, or the beating heart)
a : a state of utter confusion <the blackout caused chaos throughout the city>   b : a confused mass or mixture <a chaos of television antennas>
Such is my brain.  It's a deep abyss of utter confusion that is more unpredictable than the Florida weather.  I am not normal.  Normal by who's definition, you ask?  By MY definition.  I cannot stay focused on any one thing for any length of time.  I have panic disorder, which means I am overcome by anxiety consistently throughout my day.  I have been this way since the age of 18.  I have been on medications, yes.  They make me feel numb and I cannot write, which is my passion.  To feel numb, to not feel emotion, to not care, well that is just not me.  I must feel all the pain of the world, all the joy, suffering, laughter, anger, etc.  It's fuels my fire and I become this possessed woman, able to write to my heart's content.  Therefore, I refuse medication and take only my one pill that calms down the attacks once they happen.  It does make leaving the house challenging, for it has carried with it a dash of agoraphobia.  Driving is another trigger for my attacks, so yet another hurdle I must jump. 

  At night, my thoughts are of a thousand different scenarios, be they good or bad.  My mind races like a runaway freight train.  It's very difficult to sleep when you are going through all the "what ifs" of your life, along with the "what will bes".  Now, that isn't all I think about.  I worry about the world and the people in it.  I think of starving children, our soldiers fighting the war, my children and if I am raising them to be  the kind of people I would be proud of, and many other human issues.  I pray for lost souls, for my family and for those afflicted with disease.  Now once you concentrate on all I have mentioned (which is only a portion of my thoughts), when I look at the clock, only 1/2 hour has passed!  Yes, that is how fast my mind works. 

  Now, this is where the clutter comes in.  Are we ready for another English lesson?

Webster's Dictionary


intransitive verb
chiefly dialect: to run in disorder
transitive verb: to fill or cover with scattered or disordered things that impede movement or reduce effectiveness <a room cluttered with toys> —often used with up
My mind is cluttered with thoughts that don't really matter.  They impede my sleep and reduce the effectiveness of my brain.  Don't get me wrong, I am proud that I think of other, more serious things than just what to buy at the grocery store.  I am proud that the Lost Boys of the Sudan are never far from my thoughts.  I, however, would like to lose some of the clutter in my brain that isn't so important to the daily runnings of my household.  I have heard of conscientious objectors but I would define myself as a conscientious thinker.  Like I stated, it's really not a bad thing.  It only becomes a bad thing when it keeps me from reflecting on subjects that directly affect my family.  Is it selfish to want to only focus on me and mine for a while?  I hope not, because I pray for that ability daily.  I am so obsessed with wanting to change the world, I forget what is important around me.  Sssshhhh.  That is something I have NEVER admitted to a living soul. 
  True story.  No one knows my obsession with working in Africa.  I watched "Beyond Borders" with Angelina Jolie and Clive Owen and ever since, I have wanted to go there and help with the Doctors without Boarders program.  I watched the Lost Boys of the Sudan in "God Grew Tired of Us" and wanted to take in some of those children, who are now adults.  "Gorillas in the Mist" made me want to try to save the mountain gorilla.  Clutter.  All of this is clutter because it will never happen, my dreams are great but unrealistic.  Therefore, I chalk them up to clutter.  Who knows, maybe once all my children have grown I will find myself working in Africa, by God's grace. 
  This is why I am chaos and clutter all rolled into one.  Did I mention my house is clutter central?  Another reason for the name.  6 children?  Chaos is the ONLY definition for that!!  
Yes, my dear readers, I am the Countess of Chaos and the Crowned Princess of Clutter. 

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