My first time going alone to receive the news on my latest PET scans was the most frightening experience as of yet. I had NEVER gone alone for any reason to my oncologist. I have always had support with me. Sometimes, things are more important, so I sent Barbie off with her Dad to take care of his business. I could face what ever outcome alone, I had God sitting with me and knew I would be okay.
I didn't expect the flood of tears as I waited for my name being called. Sitting in that waiting room reminded me of the hours upon hours I spent there for chemo, blood tests, when the bad news was first delivered and what ever else I needed to be seen for. My emotions were pure, raw fear. As I glanced about the room with "shifty eyes", or at least I think that is what they were seeing, I didn't recognize any patient I was there with previously. I found myself thinking of all the faces I'd seen, the people I had met and prayed silently that they were as fortunate as I was. I want cancer wiped off the face of this planet. I am quite sure there is a cure, but the drug companies keep that quiet. Some treatments are as expensive as $15,000.00 or more! Now, why would they bother to slay the dragon when the knights are bringing in the treasure dailly by people just like me.
I apologize, I digress. If I had nails left, I would have bitten them. As soon as my name was called to go back and see my doctor, I felt my knees buckle a little. Would this be the news I was dreading, was it back? I had myself convinced over the last couple of days that it was and I was prepared for the worst. Ok, prepared isn't the right word. I certainly am NOT prepared to go through it all over again. I was just ready to hear anything negative. I would have preferred not to go it alone, but like I said, some things MUST come first and it's time Barb took a break from the million or so doctor's appointments I have had this last year.
My blood pressure was great, all blood tests came back awesome and now for the BIG news. I was afraid to open my mouth, I thought a swarm of butterflies would attack my doctor before he let me know what was going on. Yes, it felt like that many had plagued my stomach. I was totally braced. My arms were firmly locked on the examination table, my legs were tight against the step stool and my jaw was set firmly.
To quote the best doc in the world " Every thing looks fantastic, you are still cancer-free." Amazement took over. I swear I could have peed myself I was so happy. I unclenched my hands from that table and did a "seal" clap for joy. It's dorky, but it's me! Sorry to disappoint, but no sound effects were involved in the making of that seal clap, nor did I attempt to balance a beach ball on my nose. I looked up to Heaven and thanked God for giving me more time on His beautiful Earth. If it was so inappropriate, I would have kissed that doc. He gave me the greatest news, better than I had hoped. Did I mention he is also quite a cutie? Well, that's beside the point, he's a fantastic oncologist and his looks only add to that great personality and bedside manner.
I write to you as an official 3 month survivor of cancer. To all who read this: if you are diagnosed, or know someone diagnosed with cancer, NEVER give up the fight. Remain positive, and keep your life as silly as possible. That bright, sunny attitude makes a HUGE difference when dealing with something so frightening. I did it, I made it through the darkness and back into the sunlight and so can you or your loved one.
I am closing on this note.... Cancer does NOT define you, but how you cope with it and fight it DOES define who you are. Stay strong and healthy my friends. God is always on your side, and He will NOT let you down. He may decide He wants you home with Him, but He didn't forsake you, make you sick or drag you down. He carries you through all your trials and tribulations. You may not think so, but I KNOW so. God answers ALL prayers, it's just that sometimes that answers is "no".
Much love and many thanks for all of your support. I will keep blogging about little things here and there, but no more cancer posts until August when my next scan is scheduled. Then again, someone may need support, advice or encouragement and I will be right there for them!