Wrong Cookies, Dear!

  Never send a color blind man do pick up your cookies.  The blue and green tends to blend together and you wind up with "reduced fat" cookies!  My heart sank. 

If I am going to splurge on comfort foods because of the fact that I am losing a friend that is very sick, I don't want REDUCED FAT!  I want ALL the fat I can get.  It's called comfort food for a reason.  Sorry, health nuts out there, kale is not on my list when I need to cry, and munch. 

I had my glass of milk all set to go, dunked my so-called cookies in the milk and wanted to cry even harder.  They didn't even taste the same.  I perservered on, needing my cookie fix.  Three cookies later and I was full.  WHAT?  My norm is 5 cookies, yes... only 5!  So my question is, if they reduced the fat, what did they add to make them more filling?  Are all products lower in fat meant to fill you quicker so you can avoid gaining weight?  Doubtful! 

The kids even notice they can't eat their 5 either, they are full after 3 cookies as well.  I gave those cookies to the kids, knowing that drowning my sorrows in fake cookies just doesn't cut it for me.

Now, when I need comfort foods, I will venture out myself.  The next thing you know, he will be screwing up my Ben and Jerry's order!! 

I wonder though... is it truly the color-blindness that made him grab that, or did he become illiterate over night?

My Heart Isn't There... It's in the Pit

  My 25th class reunion is coming up next week.  My heart isn't there.  There are people I want to see, people I truly miss but my heart will be at another event held the same weekend.  Bruceapaloozastockfest (or something like that). 

I saw what the world COULD become when over 140 of us joined together to laugh, cry, curse and fight together for one man, Bruce C. Rosenberg.  For over a year, one by one, we all slowly came to this cause and showed our love for this family.  The craziness and bawdiness (is that even a word?) that ensued shall remain with the Pit Crew forever and it's our secret.  It's a tight bond we share, tighter than any high school acquaintances I may encounter.  I won't denounce my best friends from high school, and you know who you are.  You are just as important to me as "The Crew", it's just that I never got to see Bruce and his family but one time, and that was when I was recovering in Moffitt. 

This "Crew" has been my family, through the ups and downs of life, we remain constant and steady in the unicorn fart-driven, skittle pooping insanity of our own little world.  I swear I would lose my mind some days if not for them.  I know just a few from school and had the honor to meet Mrs. Rosenstud (as she is now known, because she is THAT awesome) and her two beautiful daughters and share some precious time with Bruce and those "Berg" women.  I feel so blessed to have had them honor me with their presence during my recovery.  When I think of my cancer battle, I feel like a wimp next to the strength this family has shown. 

So, when I attend this reunion, to which I am currently debating on actually going, for my heart is truly not in it, I will be toasting every single member of the "Crew" for being one amazing universe of love.  How's that for a run-on sentence!  Bleh!

I do cry over the fact that I am missing out on a celebration of an incredible man's life.  I cry for selfish reasons, for I am not able to meet the people that not only supported Bruce 100%, but were also there for me, for us all.  Not one single person's life in "The Crew" will ever be the same again, as we all were touched by the immense emotions we shared.  None of us will ever be the same person we once were and that's a very good thing.  We saw the world through a rainbow and it was beautiful. 

So forgive me, my classmates, if I seem a little off or morose.  It's not you, it's me.  I am missing the most important event in my lifetime (to me, at least and not by choice) to try to do what?  Recapture old times?  To see how people have changed?  To watch the cliques gather yet again, to only be left out as the "geek" or "nerd" ??  Yeah, just what I need.  The more I type about it, the more I really don't want to go.  But, there are people I HAVE to see, people that need to be thanked for helping me through MY cancer that I went to school with.  I also want to see my BFF Jill, and Mason for they have loved me unconditionally through everything and they matter most.  If Kimberly was going, I would jump for joy. 

But... my heart won't be there...

I love you Pit Crew.  Have fun, drink a few for me and give those "Berg" women hugs and kisses.  Reina, Dacia, Liz, Susan, Peter, Bill, Judy.... and especially Julie, Ella and Lucy.... (I wish I could name you all), I will truly hold you in my heart next weekend.  It is with you, as you party, get stupid and cause all the trouble in the world along with honoring a man of unquestionable amazement.  Record those "snorts" and "giggles" for me and if Reina or Julie do something REALLY stupid, I want video!!  Hahahahaha!

Thank you for being my "second family".  Thank you for making days sunnier and brighter and filling my life with hope for a better world.

 
The picture above is the strong, powerful, beautiful and amazing Rosenberg family.   Once you have met them,  you are truly a blessed person.

"Sarc" - My Second Favorite "asm"...

  Guess what the first one is?  *BUZZ*  Wrong!  It's CHASM. 

I feel like I have lived my whole life in one.  I am constantly striving to climb up and out and I keep slipping down occasionally on the slick, moss-covered rocks.  I see the top, I see the light but it's so far out of reach.  When I look back, all I can see is darkness.  The darkness that I have managed to scurry out of with my strength and perseverance.  I am some where in the middle at the moment. 

I am going to give you a scale of how deep and wide this chasm is exactly.  I am assuming all are educated enough to know of The Grand Canyon.  Well, my chasm makes The Grand Canyon a wide break in the sidewalk.  Yes, it's that HUGE!  Okay, it feels that huge.  Nevertheless, it's pretty big and intimidating. 

Obstacles I have overcome lie at the bottom but I can no longer see them.  They are far in the past.  I merely see blackness.  The jagged rocks I have yet to surmount, mock me as I reach for them, trying to lift my weak body further towards the sun.  I can and will do this, I am just unsure of how much time it will take.  I am estimating my entire lifespan.  Dust crumbles in my hand as I attempt to grasp on firmly, reminding me just how precious and fragile is the human life.  Blood coats my finger nails as I dig in firmly, clinging to any hope I have of reaching that crevice in the top.  I am stubborn, so I will never give up, I will constantly strive to climb higher and higher.  Through the sweat and the tears, the laughter and the joy, I will reach my goal. 

This is my chasm.  It is a difficult path to maneuver.  I believe we all have them, though some may be smaller than other's.  One person's climb may be much shorter than another's.  No matter how tiny or massive your chasm is, you can do it, you can reach the exit.  You can touch the stars.  Reflecting on what you have left behind  in your climb is of no use, it's simply another stone you surmounted.  You can smile and say, "I have made it thus far and I shall continue on!" but don't look back.  The darkness that follows will over-take you, trying to force you to give up on your focus.  Keep your head up towards that big, blue sky and feel the warm rays of the sun caress your face.  The yellow heat of hope is there, you only have to feel it to believe it. 

Strive.  Believe.  Reach.  Hope.

Motherhood (aka Hand Me A Valium)

  I have never pretended to be the perfect mom.  I am so far from June Cleaver, in fact, I would make Ward run for dear life!  I don't have any idea what I am doing day to day as a mom.  I can only go with what I feel and hope to God it's good enough to not do too much damage to their developing brains.

Yes, I have been known to throw a shoe or two...or three... but I have bad aim.  They always thought it was funny.  It was, until I picked up a flip-flop and flopped their little butts.  As you can tell, I am a true believer in spankings.  Now that most are grown, I don't dare try.  They are all bigger than me and could take me down in an instant (but don't tell them that!).   My three year old is the only one that I could wrestle down now.  I can't even chase the big ones that run from me when I am in "mom rage" mode.  Yup, RAGE!  I turn into this big, red, vein-popping monster when they are total butt heads.  I know their hormones are raging, but does that give them the right to speak to me like I'm a turd on their shoe?  No way!  I will not tolerate disrespect and they know it.  So when "evil mom" comes out, they run!  I make The Hulk look like a little bitch boy!  Oh boy, getting off track again.  What else is new with me?  I can't stay on one train of thought at a time, I ride the express train that has multiple destinations and stops. 

The point of this WHOLE blog was to show other mom's out there that at times we need our Valium, Xanax, bubble baths, champagne or whatever your choice of "get me out of this life now" medicine you need.  We have all been overwhelmed, over-tasked and over taken by these little people that we created.  The most important thing we have to remember is that they did not ask to be created.  We demanded that they be here and now that they are, we have those hair pulling moments.  IT'S OKAY!  I promise!  What is not okay is telling them that they shouldn't have EVER been here, that they are not wanted or should not have been born!  I get sick to my stomach when I think that parents say that to their children.  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?  WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR THAT YOURSELF?  I bet you wouldn't.  Vroooooooom, off track again.  Sorry.  Wait, a train doesn't go vrooom... okay then,  choo-choo! 


You've got to love chemo brain, or as it's otherwise fondly known, "brain fog".  The chemicals are still in my body and it causes me to lose my train of thought.  Last time I looked, it was somewhere near Albuquerque.  I am hoping it pulls into the station soon, so I can continue on my mommy mambo. 

Have you ever wanted to run away from home?  That's normal.  We all feel we are losing it from time to time.  We all worry if we are guiding our spawn in the right direction.  It's a hit or miss game, my friends.  There is no instruction booklet to pass out when they come from the dark into the light of the world.  A true testament to how you did won't be known until they are on their own and making their own way through this insane thing called "life".  Sure, we can see some of the good and bad things they do now and think "Oh, I am totally screwing them up" or "Damn, I'm good"... but that just isn't how it is.  The child that is perfect now may not be 10 years from now and vice versa.  I am also not saying that we as parents are to blame if they go out slaughtering people.  Most people know the basic right from wrong.  Minor troubles are our fault, big troubles are theirs!  Well, that's how I plan on explaining it away when one of my kids does something completely terrible.   If they totally win the Nobel Prize?  That's us as parents all the way!!  Do you see how easy it is? 

Good child:  We did it!
Bad child:  They did it.

Now go take that Valium and relax.  You are fine.  You are a good parent.  Keep telling yourself that before go to bed every night. 

One more thing, if your child starts torturing animals when they are young, just tell your friends they are planning on becoming a veterinarian... then get them psychological help immediately and up your Valium dosage... by a lot!

*DISCLAIMER:  I am in no way, shape or form an expert in parenting, psychology or psychiatry.  I am just an expert in sarcasm and sick humor.