Tuesday, November 5, 2013

I Dreamt of Kevin Smith

Get your damn heads out of the gutter!  NO!  Not THAT kind of dream.  Although realistic enough, there was negative sex with the "Fat Man", as he so calls himself. 

Into the warped mind of "Loose", and View Askew Productions via my limbic system (dream center of the brain).

View Askew Productions had moved into an abandoned hospital and it's four floors were bustling with people ready to please the Mastermind behind such hits as "Clerks" "Dogma" and "Chasing Amy" (just to name a few).  I was hired on as a PA (production assistant) and was working with a girl named Mhairi.  No, not MIRI from his other movie, but Mhairi.  We were called onto the SMODcast set to answer a few questions about our favorite Batman, movie, etc.  (If you have never heard a SMODcast, then you MUST tune in for the brilliance of each one!) 

Mr. Smith calls me over, "  Loose, you know how close you were to being fired today?"  "Um, no sir?  I really was?  I did everything you asked, I was professional, what did I do wrong?"  He replied, "That's just it, you did everything professionally, you have to loosen up, Loose!  Don't be so fucking uptight."  I noticed he enjoyed calling me by my last name.  Loose.  He giggled every damn time he said my name.  The high mother fucker.  Ha. 

"As your punishment, Loose, you must go to every office and leave every person with just one telephone.  George Lucas has been trying to reach me for the last hour and couldn't get through because the fucks are tying up the phones with personal phone calls!"  Yay for me.  Trudge through every damn office on four floors and gather phones with a fucking wheelbarrow that Smith handed me.  I can't even handle a wheelbarrow in real life, how the fuck did I master one in my dream so easily?

I start collecting phones.  People start getting pissed.  I hit the office of one Walt Flanagan and he's got three damn phones on his desk.  I told Walt I was there to take 2 of his phones per Kevin's orders.  He yelled at me, " What the fuck?  I am a big shot here!  I can have as many phones as I want!  I am an adult!"  "Excuse me, Mr. Adult Walt, could you pick up your Batman skateboard? I nearly broke my neck walking up to your desk.  Give me your fucking phones and let me do my damn job, Mr. Adult."  Phones handed over, on to Mr. Brian Johnson whose response was less hostile.  "Yeah, sure, go ahead, take 'em.  I hate talking on the fucking things".   Typical Johnson. 

As I moved on to the tech department with my load of phones, I was relieved.  Nearly done, whew!
I did NOT expect what I saw.

Rows of desks with laptops on each.  It was like a giant school room for nerds.  Wait, it was a room for nerds, because each mouse was a roller ball mouse and they were decorated.  I saw Darth Vader, Batman, Spiderman, Ewoks, Jay and Silent Bob, a Pig, a Cat and many other assorted computer mouse (mice?) ... whatever... being rolled across the floor in races.  After removing the telephones, I began confiscating the mouse (mice?) ...whatever.... and nerd did hit the fan!  I told them this was bullshit and with my arms full of Vaders and Pigs, I headed of to find Smith.  Fearing I was going to have to drag my ass around the entire old hospital, I found him on my floor, doing a Q&A for employees on the next project.  He saw me coming.  "What the fuck are those?"  "They are from the tech department sir, they were having races with them."   He half-laughed.  "You have got to be fucking kidd...no... this sounds like a bunch of fucking geeks with time on their hands.  Hey, Loose? " 
"Yeah, boss?"
With a mischievous look in his eye, "Are you loose now, Loose?"
"Yeah, boss, I'm Loose."